A poor silly fad? Middle-Earth Cruise promises 38 per cent survival rate

There’s rampant speculation over ‘Why didn’t the Eagles take Frodo to Mordor?’, but those naysayers miss the point. As stated by Dark Lord Sauron, CEO of Boromir Three-Arrow Cruises: "Not everyone likes to fly, why didn’t they take a cruise ship to Mordor?”

The answer is simple. Such an option didn’t exist. Until now. Millions perished attempting to holiday upon the Great Sea before Boromir Three-Arrow Cruises first set sail on March 25, TA 3019. Bookings soared the following year after hasty re-designs allowed ships to remain buoyant.

Now launching a brand new cruise vessel – SS Klandalf the White – with ground-breaking firsts (including chairs and lifeboats), Boromir Three-Arrow Cruises wants to move forward from the trademark 12-day, 11-night Esgaroth Dockside vacation, consisting of a buffet in a derelict barn situated on a Laketown municipal pier.

“Esgaroth’s prosperity may be built on trade between Elves, Dwarves and Men”, explained a previous Uruk-Hai passenger, Mrs Foolofa Took, “but everything was on fire during the last Lake Town cruise, where Stephen Fry stole all my gold coins and the whole town died, before being crushed under a dragon. The buffet wasn’t even that good.”

A new age for Middle-Earth cruising

Boromir Three-Arrow Cruises apologised for the lacklustre buffet, stating “Looks like meat's back on the menu, boys!”, and pointed to the new vessel's outstanding facilities.

“Our previous ship, the SS Daedalic Entertainment, may have catastrophically imploded and ruined everyone’s career despite all those industry warnings, but our new Klandalf-class ship will put things right”, Dark Lord Sauron told World of Cruising.

Features aboard the new ship include a dedicated Lembas Waybread eatery, The Hobbit Café (serving Breakfast, Second Breakfast, Elevenses, Lunch, Afternoon Tea, Dinner and Supper) and Saruman’s Michelin-stared Restaurant, offering white-gloved service and imprisonment atop the tower of Orthanc.

Entertainment takes place in the ship’s Meduseld Hall, comprising lectures from Radagast the Brown, Broadway-style shows courtesy of Dead Men of Dunharrow (going by their stage name: Army of the Dead) and being consumed by Shelob; the cruise line’s resident deranged psychopath.

After outliving those less fortunate, you can also relax in Galadriel’s Aridly Spa Fool, where treatments range from freefalling with the Balrog, to free-falling into a volcano and also freefalling onto the spike of a waterwheel.

We approached Saruman for comment, only to be told: "There will be no discount... for men”.

Destinations! Destinations! Destinations!

Courtesy of previous mass fatalities during the ill-timed Helm’s Deep onshore excursion, Boromir Three-Arrow Cruises assures a survival rate of at least 38 per cent. Why not lap up the splendour of Emyn Muil’s Dead Marshes, the calming beauty of Gondor or attempt to remain alive during a visit to Mordor’s misunderstood mining facility?

A Shire’N’Surf package is also available, taking you deep into the heart of The Shire, where local delicacies include potatoes, Pot-Ay-Toes, and more potatoes.

One highlight includes a guided tour of the now-flooded Isengard, where you can meet friendly Huorns and climb the famed 27 steps of Orthanc. World of Cruising was delighted to attend a press trip, where absolutely nothing went wrong and everyone definitely returned home to their loved ones. There was no Fellbeast mauling or screaming involved, regardless of recent headlines.

You can book a Boromir Three-Arrow Cruise by visiting registered travel agents, scattered throughout Middle Earth. Quote ‘April Fools’ to receive a free Watcher in the Water.

As Dark Lord Sauron summarised: “There is no life in the void. Only death. Uhhh…I mean, buy a cruise. It’s perfectly safe”, before turning to an associate who wished to remain anonymous, giving the instructions: “Build me an army worthy of Mordor.”

Real cruises of New Zealand

Of course, this news item is – and always will be – an April Fool's joke. But we do offer actual cruises of New Zealand with respected operators. Bag yourself a deal and explore the real Middle Earth; the stunning landscapes of New Zealand.